Power Glove Love

I’m here to tell you that within less than a month, Halo 3 was dethroned as the king of multiplayer. The sad thing is, it had no idea whatsoever. Team Fortress 2, with its 9 character classes and witty dialogue, wipes the floor with Halo 3. There’s so much more to a game that lets you taunt your opponent after you destroy them- something so undeniably satisfying, that I’m even willing to say that this game beats the single player, forge, AND the theater combined. Read on so you can find out why I think so:

Now, I want to set this up in a way that isn’t ridiculously confusing. I want to list the different features of Halo 3, and what I felt was wrong with them.

The Campaign: It starts out relevant enough. The cut scenes aren’t terribly long- and the beginning with the monologue over it? Fucking magical. You sit down, you fight brutes, they outsmart you, and you question your worth as a human being. But then, like any other Halo game, the fucking flood comes in. The entire gameplay mechanic you just enjoyed- where you used your brain- has just gone out the goddamn window. You run, gun, and absolutely nothing that challenges your brain takes place for the next couple hours. It sucks.

Multiplayer: Lag, assholes shouting racial slurs for no reason whatsoever, and ten year old kids who talk shit. ’nuff sed. Oh, and the achievements for multi, in ranked matches, are hard as shit.

Theater: If I feel like grabbing a screenshot at the end of the video of my campaign/multi/etc., I suspect that the fast forward feature will cater to the fact that I have over an hour of footage to speed through. Does it? FUCK NO. I sit for half an hour, while the fast forward moves at a slapdick pace. If I go make a sandwich and come back, and (god forbid) skip the moment I feel like capturing- THERE’S NO FUCKING REWIND. Bungie has never owned a VCR/DVD player. I have come to this conclusion, and my findings are the truth- so this is science.

Forge: Moving weapons around a map does not make it any fucking different. ADDING MORE MAPS DOES. Fuck. There’s like 8 maps on Halo 3. As many as they released for Halo 2, you’d think they would release more. Total fucking bullshit.

Now, on to Team Fortress 2. They have a small amount of maps for a game that was developed for nine years, I’ll give you that. And a match on Two Forts that takes three hours is bad to participate in the night before you have two exams. Yet, I can’t escape how deeply and ultimately satisfied I feel after I walk away from a match. There’s something about Team Fortress 2 that tickles my insides. It makes me cease to wonder how a girl would feel if I superglued a feather to the end of my peehole. That tickling sensation she would feel in her insides is exactly how I feel when I taunt some dickfart after blowing his ass to pieces with a rocket launcher. With nine classes, I can list something I love about each and every one.

Scout- Fast as shit and they count for 2 people when they capture a control point. Hellooo bonertime.

Soldier- With a rocket launcher, and a character modeled after General Patton, they’re after my heart. His battle cry and the video they made of him blowing shit up is nothing short of ball-drainingly awesome.

Pyro- Their taunt alone makes them my favorite class. Plus, they thin the herd and kill everyone who sucks enough to sit around and not heal themselves.

Demoman- I love their little remote-triggered explosives. And the pipebombs have saved my ass numerous times. Seriously- he shows his dick when he taunts people. How awesome is that?

Heavy Weapons - This minigun and your increased health makes you the hardest asshole to kill in the entire game. Seriously, these guys are made of cement. Again- truth. Science.

Engineer- I have perfected their gadgets, and I have to tell you- they kick ass. Until they set a teleporter under your base on Two Fort, and then I get pissed. But those turrets are awesome. Rumor has it, with an upcoming patch, their (the turrets) life will be cut in half. Say it ain’t so…

Medic- The least liked class out of the group, these guys are the people you KILL FIRST. Don’t let them get ubers. EVER. Or your entire defense/offense will be destroyed. Because chances are, they’ll find a heavy weapons dude and level your shit. That being said, if you are the Medic or Heavy actually leveling shit, this is fun.

Sniper - I suck at sniping. But when he taunts, he calls people wankers. And that’s fucking rad. So that, in turn , makes him rad.

Spy- These guys are hard as shit to perfect- and they are not for beginners. That being said, if you’re good at being a spy, you’re fucking awesome. You can sap turrets that would otherwise rape your asshole, you can sneak past defenses, and uncloak behind your enemies as one of their own. Like I said earlier, if you perfect them- You can carry an entire team on your shoulders.

I play Team Fortress 2 on PC. I can only imagine how it looks in HD on the 360. Andy seems to enjoy it, and that’s good enough for me. People serious about the FPS genre have awaited this game for damn near a decade. And what we got sated our appetites, I’d say. If you haven’t tried this, I highly recommend it. ESPECIALLY if you have played Halo 3. Because Team Fortress 2 just made Halo 3 its bitch. And it’s not letting it get any lube.